Dear Diary...
Friday, March 17, 2006
Last night I dreamt of xiao zhu. And in that dream we were back together and i was really happy and we were like the past, joking, holding hands and working together. And a dream will always be a dream and sometime it reflects the reality too. At the end of this wonderful dream, she cried and told me she was going back to her boyfriend. I remembered clearly that i didn't feel anything because i along know even if she came back to me, her heart will never be the same again. Then suddenly i started running around my dream looking for xiao zhu asking her to stay and not to leave me again, but she was gone, gone to a place where her heart belong.
Back to reality, i woke up feeling low all of a sudden, thinking how could this dream even came to me. I mean all i want to do now is to forget her and just put in all my heart to Wan Yun. And so i got up and went to my laptop and e-mail xiao zhu about the dream and said 'i hope you and your boyfriend both are fine.' Then when i just got home awhile ago, i read her reply and i felt sour, i felt numbness, i felt LOST. To me it felt so hurtful to read those words like ' i hope when i get back to Singapore he and I can get back together, i really love him.' But if i look it as a friend point of view, I'll be like ok sure I'll pray for you. And i did reply that but yet feeling so hurt. Apologise for my limited vocabulary.
Then i started recalling what Wan Yun said to me last night. Wan Yun asked and said that how she wish she was my first love and i may treat her so much better. i admit i'm a boring person and i really don't remember how to treat a girlfriend well anymore. Now i never even put in all my effort in the things that i wanted to do for Wan Yun. I am a jerk it's true and i know Wan Yun have changed alot for me and still i'm treating her not as good as i was when i'm with xiao zhu. I guess the dream was to remind me to let everything go and stop waiting or wasting my time on the one whom i know will never return to me anymore. If i didn't betray her trust again and again, she might come back to me. But due to the fact that i'm a F*****er and a jerk, i deserve and this. Seriously speaking, i don't deserve Wan Yun now.
Wan Yun, i hope you can just give me a little bit more time to really let all the things go. Alot people say time can heal everything, but there will always be a scar there to remind you about what really happened once upon your life. It is to get over and not to force myself to forget. Xiao zhu is only a friend now, and Wan Yun is the new land lord of the land that alllow me to farm my love in her heart now. I've failed once in farming on this good piece of heart because i wasn't truthful enough. Experience was gain and it was place for good use. I guess it's time to really consider whar i should really do.
Later i will be going to transport boats for my MR500 race. i hope everything go well and smoothly. Just now went to pool slot to learn polo, and it was interesting. Maybe if can i would want to try to learn more about it and maybe play a match or so. But sprinting it's still the best. Because when i was alone on the boat rowing, i always reflect uopn my ownself and actions.. All the best sprinters and Jia You nacc!!! = )
Lastly, Xiao zhu, all i ask is to be your friend. purely a friend which i could just wave and smile to you saying hi, how are you lately. I hope you will just smile back.. = )
silly you;1:01 AM
